Depression is a weapon of the adversary - how I'm working to combat it!

Most days I do better than other days. :)
What helps me MOST is serving others in ways I can see work for them. :)
This works best when I get to be around kids- as "validation" of children is easy for me- because I can see the "child of God" (that is the core of everyone) but has less "fruit" around the core (some fruits are much easier to appreciate than others!).

So when I don't have any little ones around-
- as being a grandmother,
with my kids raising their own kids and NONE of my grandchildren living closer than 45 minutes away-- it gets harder.

I loved my callings in the church to teach Primary or work in the nursery, and I liked being a Sub teacher for school
(though some days totally drained my body, my soul was lifted!)

but now- we keep needing to travel for business, and so I am not in one place long enough to receive an official church calling. I'm not even a visiting teacher :( nor do I seem to have any sisters coming to visit me.

I just saw on "Mormon Times" online magazine where one lady gives free tours of her home which she has made rooms of that show aspects of the Saviors life, and that sounded like something I could do with our "castle"- :)

The home motto is a poem done in colored, embellished calligraphy, framed professionally which hangs in the Woodhaven Castle tower entry. I "borrowed" the first line of the poem, but then gathered the rest of the words myself. It says;

Each man's home is his castle, &
True love makes a queen of his wife,
All Gods' children are royal,
When the light of the LORD fills your life.

Presently we are having the castle as a "Vacation Rental by Owner"
and so there have been many family reunions and gatherings of all kinds
but we are scheduled to lose it to foreclosure if we can't save it from the bank by Sept 6, 2011. :( (ironic date too)

Anyway-- other things that beat the depression (I have apparently inherited from both maternal and paternal sides of my family- the genes that hang my emotions at a below level of stability- which requires work to keep me "up". :(

Still, "all things will be turned to the good of them that love the LORD" and I do love our Savior, and try to do his works.

It is doing the works of Jesus Christ, that brings the joy into my life. I get hit by depression when I feel I have nothing to do that makes any difference in my life or others lives. I am reminding myself that

"if one can't do great things
do small things in a great way"

That even house keeping when done realizing that everything is Gods
and we are only stewards, means that when I dust and vacuum "MY" house,
I'm REALLY cleaning the House of the Lord!

Oh, my hubby and I DO have one official church calling! :)

We get to go with a team about once a month to clean the Twin Falls TEMPLE!
the hard part is the sadness of having to get substitutes when we are not here,
and finding any real dirt to clean, when we are cleaning what is already clean!

They have set cards with the list of things to clean, and the tools, and we still all wear white and have to have the same temple recommend to clean that one has to have to enter and do the baptism or other ordinances like sealing families together :). Clean teams wear all white, (even our white shoes are not to be worn outside!)

I have only been able to clean ONE time so far. Yet, the last cleaning time was when we got to take care of two foster children for the weekend to give the real foster parents respite. So that was "all good". I loved having the kids in our home, and they wanted to work to earn money to buy gifts so we actually got some of my "stuff" done! (They helped carry books to the "higher learning" attic room we made in this old Victorian home.

I need to take pictures and put them on our photo album in our son Erics' web page- wadhome.org. I'll try to do it today.

Today is actually the day before Christmas, and I have been struggling to keep my head above the flood waters of gloom over finances (I mentioned one- loss of castle, but there are about four others of as heavy a magnitude) and I struggle to trust God that "all is well" and "fear not". Somehow things will work out.

One funny (it IS time for something to chuckle over about now ;0)
-- is that I've been fighting myself to NOT make or TO make "goodies" (bad for ones health!) -- I broke down and tried to make gingersnap cookies shaped like Gingerbread boys and girls-- but in trying to "make it healthy" I substituted coconut oil for shortning, and so when baked, they "melted" into shapelessness! ;/

So NOW-- I think I will use those cookies, (which stayed quite soft still)
pressing them to make a pie crust shell, for a banana/coconut cream pie for our Christmas dinner!

Ok, it is not really healthy- but is is not SOOO unhealthy, and in this case a LITTLE bit (I'll only make one pie and there will be 7 people!) won't hurt us!

I hope! (I also have the challenge of hypoglycemia to learn from and conquer )

So to quote Tiny Tim from Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol",
"God bless us, everyone!"

counting what counts

Some things can not be counted
some things that can be counted, don't really count
while levels of kindness and love can't be counted
what really counts more?

going on further with the last posted thoughts

So--

Where the challenge is

is if the "work as little as possible" philosophy

causes one to then spend the greater amount of their time in trying to exist without having to HAVE/spend money

but by using what work others have done- without reimbursing the others

then it seems to be rather parasitic (a user not a contributor) life.

Then also though there is the -- what is one going to do with the time one is not working? Are your REALLY going to spend the time helping others in the right way?

The person gave as an example that Jesus went about helping others, and didn't work and that he told his apostles to not worry about how they were to be clothed or fed, as they had other work--

But to me this seems like it was SPECIFICALLY their callings, and the rest of us ARE to work, and of course not to over stress about providing for our needs, or trying to provide for every possible disaster etc.

We just need what is adequate in most cases. This also seems to all go back to that this life is our time to LEARN this very stuff-- to judge what is enough and adequate in all things!

Perfection in some things is overdone. What things need to be perfect?

"An immaculate house is the sign of a wasted life".

"Clean enough to be healthy, messy enough to show it is lovingly lived in" seems more the goal to me.

We don't need to have perfect;
hair, bodies, skin, nails, cars, yards, homes, meals, etc

Though sometimes doing things perfectly can be a joy;
playing a song to our perfect satisfaction on an instrument
writing a poem that perfectly expresses our feelings,
painting a picture that captures perfectly our idea
loving another with our whole hearts, as we should love God
or just doing the best we can with what we have to make our homes a heaven on earth!

and WE are to "be ye therefore perfect as your Father in Heaven is perfect"

but we must not despair that we can't get to that level in this earth life-- thank goodness we have eternity to keep working on it,
but we should nevertheless try to be better all the time, progressing to get there!

So--- this life is our time to "prepare to meet God" to "work out our own salvation with fear (reverence) and trembling".

As though it is only through the grace of God that makes us for our lack, we still must do all WE can, and then HE adds the rest.

It would be a terrible insult to expect to accept Gods gift, if we were to treat it so despicably as to ---

Oh, I just thought of an analogy for it! :)

Imagine that God has invited us to his Kingdom
and told us that he has a wonderful gift for us there
and told us to get prepared to receive the gift
to make ourselves clean and worthy of it

but we kind of ignore all the parts except the "free gift" part--

and so we arrive at the gates unwashed, in dirty clothing, muddy shoes and hold out our filthy hands to push the gate open when we suddenly notice that everything
inside is totally pure and clean and white, and that our muddy clothing and foul smells and even our choice of words is foul as we swear in our frustration and embarrassment, even hot anger at our selves and others that we didn't prepare!

How will we feel?

Isn't part of our purpose in life to find out "what we came here after"? Well, I have been sitting on this hard wooden seat for 2 and 1/2 hours now, and so I will see -- what work is my priority to do today. What would Heavenly Father and his only begotten son, Jesus Christ have me do ? today ? at this time?

May God so bless us all to discover, and have the strength and wisdom to do!

specifics on all our purposes in life are???

Well- to anybody who is reading this-- I woke up thinking about this around 2:30 a.m. , as I had a conversation with someone about it yesterday.
--- Their philosophy of life (from what they said) seemed to be to get by with doing absolutely as little "work" (for earning money) as possible- that they could have more time to inter-relate with others- like family and friends and so help them have happier lives.
Well a quick look at that seems like it is ok- but somehow something seems skewed?

It seems that there are
CIRCLES OF RESPONSIBILITY
(for providing for our own needs and wants)

and first we are to make sure we have enough of the necessities
(oxygen, water, food, shelter, clothing ((to cover our nakedness and for modesty and protection)), means to stay clean enough to be healthy etc)

I believe that each person than CAN
(has the mental and physical etc ability)

- needs to be responsible for themselves FIRST
(like in the airplane safety directions- parents are to put on their OWN oxygen mask first- as THEN then can make sure they can take care of their kids- the children- if they HAD enough oxygen might not know enough to help the parents!)

Then when WE have our at least bare necessities then we can help others.

I think we get into trouble about this on both ends--

I know of some parents (long time ago- and I won't name names but not in my faith)

who felt their Christian responsibility was to go out in the world to help others
-- which is PART right- but their priority was in their own home first-- as it turned out their children didn't have enough supervision and the older brothers were abusing their young sister- which impacted her whole life in terrible ways!!!

Charity
(the pure love of Christ)

we are told BEGINS at home
(we are taught it best by example and there our responsibility also begin)

back to the CIRCLES OF RESPONSIBILITY

So think of a target-- and put yourself in the center (first)

in the next ring would go your spouse (if you have one and finding the best person for you to marry is right up there on the priority list in my view at the right age)

then comes your children
(some I think get mixed up and put their children before their spouse-- but it is that USUALLY
(if the spouse has THEIR PRIORITIES RIGHT -- then they are what you need to BEST take care of your children-- a father to provide and protect his wife and children, and the wife/mother to nurture the children-- with BOTH of them working with all respect together as a team and each doing what they are best skilled to do to help their family, train the children to be responsible for themselves (and others as needed) and provide the loving atmosphere in their shelter, nutritious food, adequate clothing and adequate education etc-

and the parents being the best role models they can be for their children that the children can go out in the world and also find the best spouses and raise responsible families.

--- HOWEVER-- if a spouse proves to be "toxic"
(so mean and deranged as to emotionally and or physically or sexually abuse any others- and refuses to get help to heal whatever was the cause, then the other spouse must get themselves and the children to safety.

Other ways a spouse can fail in their responsibilities would be to be so selfish that they care only for their own entertainment and needs and do not value the others in the families needs equally-- so they spend their money or time on addictions (alcohol, drugs, porn -- anything that uses their money or time
(which is needed to make the money to supply the physical needs)

or their time is needed to emotionally support their family
(sick kids all night? burned out Mom, housework overwhelm etc--
or for the fathers-- if the mother is so focused on her social life, or her looks or THINGS that her children are treated as problems etc instead of how

I think children should be treated--
as our spiritual best friends/brothers and sisters
sent from our Father in Heaven into our care while they are unable to care for themselves
and we are to help them have all the assistance/training we would like to have if we were them
--- not to over indulge them (causing a wrong feeling of entitlement)
but training them to see the big eternal picture and themselves as valuable in it
as is everyone else. Teaching them to be responsible for themselves and assist others as they can.

--- Which takes me back to what I was thinking when I woke up.

Of the conversation I had-- that the "skewed" view-- was the avoidance of work. I believe that it is BY our work, that we can bless others lives.

Here is a song that describes this to me. :)

Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel

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“252: Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel,” Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 252

Energetically

1. The world has need of willing men
Who wear the worker’s seal.
Come, help the good work move along;
Put your shoulder to the wheel.

[Chorus]
Put your shoulder to the wheel; push along,
Do your duty with a heart full of song,
We all have work; let no one shirk.
Put your shoulder to the wheel.

2. The Church has need of helping hands,
And hearts that know and feel.
The work to do is here for you;
Put your shoulder to the wheel.

3. Then don’t stand idly looking on;
The fight with sin is real.
It will be long but must go on;
Put your shoulder to the wheel.

4. Then work and watch and fight and pray
With all your might and zeal.
Push ev’ry worthy work along;
Put your shoulder to the wheel.

---- The "Put your shoulder to the wheel" part refers I believe to when the Mormon pioneers were traveling west (escaping persecution because of their religion) and it was in the days before the automobile- so they traveled in covered wagons pulled by oxen or horses, with large wheels, that could get stuck in mud or sand etc-- and so often they needed the people to get together and "put their shoulders to the wheels and push" to get over the rough spots.

Anyway-- so back to the conversation that caused me to wake.

I think that the song shows that WORK is a blessing,

though again work can be totally overdone and the person be driven to work to "get ahead" in life, or "be successful" etc and they do not balance the work in their lives, with some rest (Sabbath Day) and with family and friends a little play.

I think though that it is WAY more likely that the skew will be "not to work" (not be responsible for your own needs- but expect hand outs and help from others, and even the government (which is taking from other workers in taxes etc) rather than doing what is necessary to supply for their own needs and wants, with some SAVINGS kept by for emergencies that they not be a drag on others.

Like in the analogy of the shoulder to the wheel-- it was for a SHORT BOOST when they couldn't do it themselves-- not to sit back (maybe drinking alcohol or doing drugs etc and or watching TV, sports or porn etc) and use up others lives (time is what our lives are made of- and it can't be replaced)- but we can help others get what needs to be done by giving of our time or funds to supply what needs to be done that THEY CAN'T DO FOR THEMSELVES.

I believe when we "help" others-- when they are NOT really in need, but just have been selfish or lazy-- then we actually are hurting/enabling them to continue.

Some of the best feelings we can have is when we help correctly when it is really needed. :) We can lie to ourselves and "rescue" others who don't really need to be rescued-- and I think it is a false thing we will come to regret when we understand what we have done by our "helping". It is not all that easy to find how to really help others.

Parents, I believe can really hurt their children in this way too. Mothers especially are prone to do too much FOR their children, instead of teaching the children to work and get the good feelings they can enjoy from seeing the work they did :).

I think the best way to teach children is to let them first see YOU happily work, and then as soon as they are able to "lift a dust rag" let them help WITH the work. Also the best way is not to say "good job" but to help THEM evaluate their own work, and ask them if they see how happy it makes you feel, and how do they feel etc.

It sure is a challenge! --

Anyway back to the purpose of life-- I think there is are Bible and other holy scripture about it (ok, lots of scriptures about work. :)

Even God works! "

Message of inspiration from President Thomas S. Monson
Published: Saturday, Oct. 2, 2010
Print | Email | Share
Paul taught the Philippians that individuals are called upon to "work out [their] own salvation" (Philipians 2:12).

Stuart Johnson, Deseret News
By obedience to God's commandments, we can qualify for that "house" spoken of by Jesus when He declared: "In my Father's house are many mansions. … I go to prepare a place for you … that where I am, there ye may be also" (John 14:2–3).

Life moves on. Youth follows childhood, and maturity comes ever so imperceptibly. From experience we learn the need for heavenly assistance as we make our way along the pathway of mortality. We treasure the inspired thought: "God is a Father; man is a brother. Life is a mission and not a career" (President Stephen L Richards).

God, our Father, and Jesus Christ, our Lord, have marked the way to perfection. They beckon us to choose to follow eternal verities and to become perfect as they are perfect. (See Matthew 5:48; 3 Nephi 12:48.) The Apostle Paul likened life to a race with a clearly defined goal. To the Saints at Corinth he urged: "Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain" (1 Corinthians 9:24).

In our zeal, let us not overlook this sage counsel: "The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong" (Ecclesiastes 9:11). Actually, the prize belongs to him who endures to the end.

When I reflect on the race of life, I remember another type of race, even from childhood days. When I was about ten, my boyfriends and I would take pocketknives in hand and, from the soft wood of a willow tree, fashion small toy boats. With a triangular-shaped cotton sail in place, each boy would launch his crude craft in the race down the relatively turbulent waters of the Provo River. We would run along the river's bank and watch the tiny vessels sometimes bobbing violently in the swift current and at other times sailing serenely as the water deepened.
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Message of inspiration from President Thomas S. Monson
Published: Saturday, Oct. 2, 2010
Print | Email | Share
Paul taught the Philippians that individuals are called upon to "work out [their] own salvation" (Philipians 2:12).

Stuart Johnson, Deseret News
By obedience to God's commandments, we can qualify for that "house" spoken of by Jesus when He declared: "In my Father's house are many mansions. … I go to prepare a place for you … that where I am, there ye may be also" (John 14:2–3).

Life moves on. Youth follows childhood, and maturity comes ever so imperceptibly. From experience we learn the need for heavenly assistance as we make our way along the pathway of mortality. We treasure the inspired thought: "God is a Father; man is a brother. Life is a mission and not a career" (President Stephen L Richards).

God, our Father, and Jesus Christ, our Lord, have marked the way to perfection. They beckon us to choose to follow eternal verities and to become perfect as they are perfect. (See Matthew 5:48; 3 Nephi 12:48.) The Apostle Paul likened life to a race with a clearly defined goal. To the Saints at Corinth he urged: "Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain" (1 Corinthians 9:24).

In our zeal, let us not overlook this sage counsel: "The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong" (Ecclesiastes 9:11). Actually, the prize belongs to him who endures to the end.

When I reflect on the race of life, I remember another type of race, even from childhood days. When I was about ten, my boyfriends and I would take pocketknives in hand and, from the soft wood of a willow tree, fashion small toy boats. With a triangular-shaped cotton sail in place, each boy would launch his crude craft in the race down the relatively turbulent waters of the Provo River. We would run along the river's bank and watch the tiny vessels sometimes bobbing violently in the swift current and at other times sailing serenely as the water deepened.

During one such race we noted that one boat led all the rest toward the appointed finish line. Suddenly the current carried it too close to a large whirlpool, and the boat heaved to its side and capsized. Around and around it was carried, unable to make its way back into the main current. At last it came to an uneasy rest at the end of the pool, amid the flotsam and jetsam that surrounded it.

The toy boats of childhood had no keel for stability, no rudder to provide direction, and no source of power. Inevitably their destination was downstream—the path of least resistance.

Unlike toy boats, we have been provided divine attributes to guide our journey. We enter mortality not to float with the moving currents of life, but with the power to think, to reason, and to achieve.

We left our heavenly home and came to earth in the purity and innocence of childhood. Our Heavenly Father did not launch us on our eternal voyage without providing the means whereby we could receive from Him guidance to ensure our safe return.

Yes, I speak of prayer. I speak, too, of the whisperings from that still, small voice within each of us; and I do not overlook the holy scriptures, written by mariners who successfully sailed the seas we too must cross.

— President Thomas S. Monson, "Invitation to Exaltation," Ensign, June 1993, p. 2



During one such race we noted that one boat led all the rest toward the appointed finish line. Suddenly the current carried it too close to a large whirlpool, and the boat heaved to its side and capsized. Around and around it was carried, unable to make its way back into the main current. At last it came to an uneasy rest at the end of the pool, amid the flotsam and jetsam that surrounded it.

The toy boats of childhood had no keel for stability, no rudder to provide direction, and no source of power. Inevitably their destination was downstream—the path of least resistance.

Unlike toy boats, we have been provided divine attributes to guide our journey. We enter mortality not to float with the moving currents of life, but with the power to think, to reason, and to achieve.

We left our heavenly home and came to earth in the purity and innocence of childhood. Our Heavenly Father did not launch us on our eternal voyage without providing the means whereby we could receive from Him guidance to ensure our safe return.

Yes, I speak of prayer. I speak, too, of the whisperings from that still, small voice within each of us; and I do not overlook the holy scriptures, written by mariners who successfully sailed the seas we too must cross.

— President Thomas S. Monson, "Invitation to Exaltation," Ensign, June 1993, p. 2

Life goes on, and it is good and also challenging!

So I often wake in the wee hours of the night, and after not being able to "fall" (doesn't that sound easy?) back asleep- I get up to get something done. :) So it is now almost 4:30am and I've been awake since 2:00.
We are in Washington, getting to stay in our own VRBO (Vacation Rental By Owner) a blessing and a challenge as when it is not rented then we get no income from it- but I DO get to work on the castle. :)My sweetheart is still in slumberland.
I enjoyed working with him on the F/V Liahona for three days (not Sundays- as that is a blessed day of rest :) while yesterday I got to work on the castle as he was in Seattle for meetings. I got to make curtains from sheets of a color and pattern that works great, not just the ONLY material available on board, and do it with a sewing machine instead of by hand. We then got to use real rods to put them up, instead of fish mending twine, which always sags. We did invent (?) a way to use about the least expensive rods possible, by Ray drilling holes in the frames of the parallelogram shaped window frames, so the tension rods stay in place. Looks great if I say so myself. :)
Actually what I did the whole first day though was to "muck out" the galley. Ray had cleaned it before me of the large stuff. I cleaned the fridge inside and out, the stove (oven still in process) the counters, washed all the windows (harder than you might think as there were rust stains that really took elbow polish!)and many of the cupboards inside and out.
I also had gotten from the thrift store some King size quality pillow shams, from which I made covers for the galley benches. It felt like such a blessing to find what colors and patterns I wanted for only 2.99 a case and I only needed 3.
We also found a clock that looks great- it was of all things at the hardware store! I got from the thrift store some frames and rescued the required safety and environmental posters Doug had printed for us, and I had put up (in the mad dash to get out of town last spring for fishing) inside plastic page protectors with masking tape- which didn't stick and so duct tape was added to the "decor". :/. Anyway, now it looks down right classy.
I don't think I mentioned that the whole inside of the boat had a thin coating of soot as a filter blocked up and spewed smoke and soot inside on the trip home? Well, soot makes everything dirty gray colored and gets anything that touches it the same way too. I still have the walls to wash down before I can finish the varnishing I started and had to leave half done as the boat had to go and I ran out of varnish anyway (& money to buy more) and they had to work in the area I was varnishing too.
Ray had been forced by lack of $ and time to make our door into the ships cabin
of plain old plywood, (he did put a window in it:) and painted it white,(so sad but it worked anyway)- so how totally blessed we were to rediscover a REAL marine door of thick Mahogany in dutch door style, (top opens separate from bottom of door) that we had taken off an old boat years ago and stored in our boat shop. It fit!!!
It did take two days to get it mounted though, with some cutting of the steel boat, and buying (credit card pit :( ) of special woods needed to frame it, but it is SOOOO classy and a great "first impression". Just wish I knew how to put pictures in here so you could see the things I talk about!
Now I am looking in thrift stores for two more picture frames, one for a picture by artist Arnold Frieburg, which includes the liahona held in their hands on board ship as the family looks towards the promised land they have been lead from Jerusalem and across the ocean to the American continent under the guidance of God through the liahona.
The Liahona is SORT of like a round ball shaped compass but it does not just point North. It has two needles, and one points the direction they are to go (which changes with the terrain etc) and the other if I remember right- is what indicates that it is working, as it didn't work if they were not being righteous! Also there is writing that appears on the outside of the ball, and is changed from time to time, with other directions of things they are to do.
So we named the first boat we made back in the early 70s after this marvelous device of "curious workmanship" (this history is told in the first chapters of The Book of Mormon) that God gave them, and used to help guide them. When we made better boats later, we took the boat name with us. We did digress with one boat, and named it The Order of Magnitude (which boat was illegally taken from us in the bankruptcy of our business) but God blessed us in a friend who actually paid directly to us some of the money he had from the insurance payment when his boat was destroyed by fire), when he got ours so auction price cheap! (bankruptcy story waits for later! )
So, what do I do when I wake up in the wee hours in the castle? I "putter" and put things where they are supposed to go, do mending, decorating, cleaning, organizing and in general try to make the castle more enjoyable for all guests and easier for the cleaning team to clean.
I also use some of the materials gathered over the years to make more costumes for the use of guests to the castle, and maybe to sell if I can and we need the $ enough. Velvet bedspreads from the thrift stores become full length hooded cloaks. Filmy curtains become princes dresses, often paired with satin sheets.
It is so fun to get to play the Fairy Godmother. I call myself a "Fairly Grandmother". We have planned for a group of Missionaries to come on their preparation and service day to help with some of the work here, and then get to dress up in the castle time costumes for picture taking. I'm so looking forward to the help (Ray is going full time on the boat) but he will be here the about 2 hours to help supervise the Missionaries.
We are trying to get a marine mortgage for the boat so we can pay back the several friends who loaned us some of the money to build it, but so far no mortgage. We have a few new leads and hopefully a lead for forward motion of our pin bone fillet machine too! I do love hopeful looking leads. :) It is getting scary though as the castle is scheduled to be foreclosed on Sept 6, 2011 if we can't pay the about $400 thou- we were forced to sign a mortgage of the castle to pay to negotiate out of the business bankruptcy-- though we were indemnified but the bank illegally didn't do that as they were directed to when our business was taken over by another corporation. :(
We are working on that too. I will not focus on the negatives, and anyway we have all we need and most of our wants, and that is amazing. I will trust God, that he will continue to supply our NEEDS as He has in the past.
If you are wondering if we got to go on the church history tour back East that we have wanted to do for years-- the answer is "not yet". Many parts of Alaska had record fish runs, but the one area Ray was limited to fish in, had the worst fishing run in recorded history- a disaster! Still though Ray managed by the grace of God, to get enough fish to squeak by, and pay the crew, but we still owe the cannery etc. The cannery reneged on the promised payment for our tender work for them, and paid us less, but we had already paid our crew based on what they had promised. Sigh, but we can hardly go ask for the money back from the crew, though Ray had already made a decision in favor of the crew, taking the fuel expenses out of the boat share instead of out of the joint crew/captain shares so they got more than the standard % but Ray had hoped to pay them all so much more! Everyone worked so hard!
Fishing is a gamble just as farming is- and it is Gods grace that makes the difference in whether there is a "crop" or not. All we can do is all we can do as we pray too! There is some blessing for us in all this, and I do understand that it is FOR trials and tests that we came to earth, as from THEM we learn and grow best. I'll sure be happy to graduate from this life though, God gives us just enough "free time" to make it livable. I must not whine- as so many others have such harder challenges than I have.
I have my best friend as my spouse and we are married for time and all eternity! We have such great kids, that they are also our friends, now all of them have kids of their own too. All of our family are righteous, and that is the greatest blessing! None of them are self destructing or on bad paths. Our grand-kids are such fun, and I just wish I had more time with them. Well, we still have our health (though no health insurance- as no money-- so maybe the unconstitutional Feds will fine us-- but what can we do?). We can't work as hard or as long as we used to, and our bodies complain more, but they still work which is a tremendous blessing! :)
Another blessing I SOOOoooo enjoy is getting to discuss the gospel with people of other faiths, to learn what they believe and why and share what I believe. The IPhones that were our wedding anniversary gifts to each other last year are so great, that I get to do facebook where I can share in the few sit down times I get. Also our VRBO is a missionary tool to it seems :), so though we haven't gotten to "Go" on a mission, in ways one has come to us.
Well, I don't know when I will get back to posting on here, as my life is so full and I rarely get to sit to a full keyboard but we will see. May God continue to bless and strengthen us to meet and win in the challenges that life gives us. Gramajane

Why I got married to my sweetheart.

I had been looking for "Mr. Right" for years- though I had decided I wouldn't get married until I was 23, (the age my mother married at) unless the perfect man for me came along, and everything worked out perfectly.
Well I got married at 21, because I did find him, and the things I was looking for were seen in him.

a. Healthy male of marriageable age (these days it seems some do not take sex difference as a given)
b. He was a worthy member of my faith, (Mormon) and a returned missionary.
c. He was morally pure and wanted me (big deal here!) as his eternal mate.
d. We wrote weekly PLUS letters,(sent talk tapes too when that wasn't enough) for six months before we ever met.
e. He was honest, a hard worker, had plans and dreams that I could see myself in
f. He had the ability to provide safety (like he made a fire FIRST when a group of us went to the snow- so there would be a way to get warm BEFORE anyone got too cold.
g. He was fun to be around and made my life happier just to know he was in the world.
h. We planned to spend the rest of our earthly life together, and then into eternity together as Mormons have "Eternal Marriage" not-- "until death do you part"-- as the priesthood power of sealing on earth would be sealed in heaven as Given to Peter, has been restored with our church.

So-- now my husband is at retirement age, and I love him more than ever!- but there is a little problem here. His drive (read work-aholic) has kept us apart for I figure for at least 1/3 or more of the usual time a husband and father is home, and it looks like he may leave this life "in the work harness" -- while I feel I have been "put on hold" -- with "later we will ..." do that.

So we did get to go on 3 family vacations over our 40 years of married life, once to each USA Disneyland and once to Hawaii-- though he joined us there (from work) and then only spent ONE night and left for work :( )

We also got to go as a couple on three special times (OK, one was our honeymoon, another was REALLY a work related thing so I was a sideline, and the third was a second honeymoon that my mother helped us do, and she babysat our four kids-- because she was worried we rarely had time together (boy was she right)!

I know my sweetheart loves me, and he does not mean to neglect me-- I just think he loves working more-- I mean it is pretty hard to compete with his works, where he is on the leading edge, captain of his own fishing vessels, boss with such great experience and skill that he is hardly questioned on what he wants etc.

My problem is that it is my understanding that we were/are supposed to be partners for eternity, but when do I get to be put before work? Work trumps everything it seems.

Now our kids are all married and have kids of their own, but my sweetheart is working even more. Since November he has worked out of town all week, barely come home on Sat. night, then gone to church with me on Sunday (what a blessed day!) and usually headed back after church to the work site to be ready for Monday-- and he did that till spring when he REALLY went out of state, and I only got to see him when I flew to join him on the ship.

Even on the ship with him-- he was so busy that I barely saw him (OK, it is not his fault that I usually get sea sick unless the water is flat calm-- like a mirror!) To get a chance to talk with him, I would hang out behind him when he was at the helm (flat calm weather only) and try to talk over the noise of the twin engines.

Meal times usually had the crew shoulder to shoulder with us, and a couple of times we got to take a walk together on shore to go buy things the boat needed. I did what I could to make myself useful on board. I hand sewed curtains (sun glare is not good in the land of the midnight sun!) from a sheet I put on board- along with other things for decorating the boat or to use. I made bread, and did laundry, I cleaned and answered the radio (OK- mostly ran to tell my sweetheart someone was calling on the radio :) and I even mended net and did some wheel watches.

Anyway-- why am I writing this now-- I suppose it is to put my frustrations and dreams in writing-- isn't that somehow supposed to make them more valid? I do believe that things will work out for the best, I just pray that my sweetheart will choose to spend time with me BEFORE he is so old he can't even get around in a wheel chair (from which I really think he might keep working!). -- So I am working to trust God, and do a better job of communicating to my eternal mate that it is MY TURN for some more of his time.

He is a great father, and husband and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else, but it seems I am alone a LOT-- but not single. I'm so thankful for his phone calls (mostly they are out of range of ANY cell towers though :(-- and he told me he did write me a letter-- but I'm hanging out at our oldest sons (4 grandkids here:) as I was getting depressed, unable to do the things alone, that I would rather do with him (like move mattresses sets upstairs-- it is still in the hallway) do some much needed painting on the house-- or how about a real vacation :)!

Well, he SAYS he is burned out and that we will go back east to the church history sites this fall, but I am working to not get expectations-- as I've been disappointed so often before.

Somehow, I trust things WILL work out ok-- without that hope-- what joy or peace is there?

I try to look at others challenges (health crisis, war, famine, divorce etc) and I feel like a wimp to not be satisfied with the wonderful life I have. So I will pray more and keep the faith!
May God bless us to know that as we keep his commandments that all things will turn to our good.